As good as any other day

It was my birthday on Monday; I turned 23 on 23rd. I guess there is some weird belief about such juxtaposition; as if the stars are all magically aligned celebrating the union of your common birth date and your age. For me, on the contrary, it was quite an ordinary day.

I think I can now relate to my father’s lack of excitement about his birthdays. After the birthday songs have been sung, the excited cake-throwing has finished, the birthday bumps and kicks have been delivered and all the hustle bustle dies down, it’s just another day when you celebrate getting older although not necessarily any wiser in most cases. And if you notice the trend, the number of people with whom I spend majority of my time on my birthday has been gradually shrinking.

When I was a kid, birthday meant elaborate plans for a party, games, a huge cake and presents. It was a big deal! You could feel the excitement palpable in the air a good number of days in advance. When I approached my teens, only a handful of people were invited (my secret crush included, hoping he would start adoring me as well). When I grew older, parents gave me money to spend on myself in place of a birthday party. Birthday in college meant flowers and gift in the courier. Now that I’m in my second year of job, I spent my birthday in office, working till 6:30 pm followed by grocery shopping, a swim and going to bed to wake up early for office next day.

The wishes did make it special though. Thanks to everyone who called, messaged, posted on FB and blogged! It meant a lot. I’m all smiles now

A letter to my friends

It’s a very true saying that “You don’t know how special something is until you lose it”. For me personally, it didn’t take as long as losing that special person for realisation to hit me square between the eyes. And I thank the Gods above for that.

My best friend from college lives in the same city as I do since a long time now. I hadn’t talked to her in months despite having lived with her for almost 4 years of my hostel life and now staying not far than a few kilometers. Somehow our work timings never matched for us to actually meet. On some weekends she’d be out, on others I would be and the ones we both were in town, we’d spend attending to our chores.

About a month and a half ago, she had an accident.

I heard about it from another college best friend whose only two sentences were “When was the last time you talked to Dolphy? She’s had an accident.”  I’ve read the expression “blood drained from her face” many times but I think I completely understood what it meant that day. I quickly found out that there were casualties in that accident; people died. She had sustained a head injury. “You never know how special something is till you lose it”.

I rushed to her house that evening leaving all my work. I met her and even while looking at her mangled face as she was trying to smile bravely, I couldn’t stop crying. She was scared of blood, of needles, of hospitals. Yet it was her who was assuring me “Everything will be ok”. And I was trying to smile back but failing. I was seeing her after months, and that too in such a condition. I frantically scrambled for topics to talk to her but didn’t know what to say because I didn’t know what she had been upto. Frankly, I felt utterly disgusted at myself at that point. Why did I wait for a disaster to strike to come meet her?

In this fast paced life we lead where everything not worthy enough of a mention flies past like a blur, we almost forget those friends with whom we had shared the highs and lows of our lives some day. We almost forgot the bittersweet discussions that we had with them about life, love and loss. We almost forget how much we love them and how much they loved us. We almost forget that they were the ones who taught us to hold onto our faith when everything around us came crashing down.

I’ve lost out on some people over the time, mainly because I haven’t been able to keep in touch. To those friends, I humbly want to say I’m so sorry for having been a lousy friend. I’ve had people in my life who by the end treated me like shit, falsely accused my integrity as a person and as a friend and left me suffering alone when I needed them the most. I Thank them for teaching me many valuable lessons of life. And to the one’s who are still there, I thank you for still believing deep down that I am the friend you thought I could be.

There’s a something I wrote for those friends not very long ago.

Dolphy, Godspeed to you sweetheart.. Get well soon..

The End

It wasn’t too long ago that I ended a relationship. Yes I ended it. Am I upset I did? I was at the time. That relationship had meant something to me for a long duration. It had meant something to my family. It had meant something to my relatives who thought I’d end up getting married to the guy. It meant something to my friends with whom I didn’t spend time because it was him who got my time instead. And so, at the end of the meaningful relationship, when I ended things, I apparently became this person who had just used him and thrown him away. It’s been a year, he still hasn’t moved on. His rants appear once every month on his blog and his bandwagon of supporters jump into the queue to support him and curse the living daylights out of me.

Perfect.

I wonder, when a relationship ends doesn’t it end for a reason? When the over hyped concept of LOVE can not overcome the REAL life practical problems, isn’t that when it is best to part ways? When the other person isn’t happy in the relationship and you are not doing anything to make things better, isn’t that when it is best to part ways? When the stress of the relationship has transformed what was once beautiful to something horrible, isn’t that when it is best to part ways? Why then people can not act their age? Why is it SO difficult to understand and accept that the past, however beautiful it was, can not further onto the future? Rather than sitting and talking it out and being an ADULT about the whole escapade, why do people find it more convenient to just gather public sympathy? I guess it is a very complex thing to understand that it was a PRIVATE relationship, and not their high school science project for all of the world to comment and critique.

Forget about the pain of ending up alone, forget about the anger on seeing his not-so-random posts, forget about caring for that person for such a long time, I feel saddened now. Rather than accepting that the past could be a beautiful memory, he has now replaced it by the memory of horrible confrontations that took place near the end. And the beauty of the whole thing? Well, everyone knows he’s heartbroken, not ONCE has he mentioned the things he did which MADE me break up with him. Not once did he mention his trust issues. Not once did he mention how he didn’t like me devoting time to anything else. Not once did he mention about the ultimatums I received. Not Once.

I’m alone today. I know I am. And I’ll probably remain alone but that won’t be because I won’t find the person who would love me. There are enough people in this world who love me for the kind of person I am, allowing me to LIVE freely at the same time. No. I’ll stay alone by my choice. I’ll stay alone for the sheer satisfaction that I can’t let his manipulations and his deceit come in my way. I’ll stay alone for the contentment that he cannot extract revenge on me by interfering in my life. I’ll stay alone to ensure he can’t offend my dignity any more than he already has.

He’ll sulk in the open beckoning public sympathy while I make sure I do not resort to public proclamations of how heartbroken I was. This would be the only exception.

The rendezvous

She was standing in the most beautiful church she had ever seen. The roof must have been at least 50 feet high. Intricate stained glass adorned the walls behind the statue of the shrine. The altar was decorated on either side with two huge towers of flowers: an intricate arrangement of white lilies and pale pink chrysanthemums. She smiled. Whoever had picked out the flowers knew her likes pretty well. The sunlight was streaming in through the high arches at just the right angle between the altar and the first pew.  She glided to the point where the slanted sunrays met the floor. She blinked her eyes a few times to get used to the light. It felt soothingly warm.

Suddenly the door opened and a group of people walked in. As the crowd kept progressing towards her, she became apprehensive of her presence; maybe this was a family occasion and her staying there would raise questions. Just as she was wondering how to make her exit, she was startled to see her high school classmates. She hadn’t met them in years. Following them was the lady couple of lanes down from her home, whom she used to buy flowers from. She also saw her mother walk slowly to the altar and sit down on the first pew. She waved gaily at her mother, but surprisingly her mother took no notice. She looked around. Her bewilderment grew as she found more familiar faces settling down in the pews.

The last person to enter shut the door behind him firmly, plunging the entrance of the Church into darkness. He slowly made his way towards her looking smart in a fitting black suit. He had two white lilies clutched in his right hand. She gaped as he got closer to her, it was someone she recognized very well.

“Kevin…” She whispered.

He stopped at the first pew, and handed over one of the lilies to her mother. Janice gaped at her mother’s usually composed exterior betrayed by tears today. Kevin squeezed her shoulder and then walked up to the altar. Janice turned around and noticed the big casket at the altar for the first time. It was half open. She watched Kevin extended his fingers inside. Suddenly, she felt something on her cheek. A warm feeling, as if someone was brushing their finger on her cheek…

She looked down into the casket, and found herself inside in a dreamy white dress. She then looked at the people sitting in the church. They were all dressed in mournful black.

“I love you Janice. I always did and I always will,” she heard Kevin murmur tearfully to the casket and placed the Lily on it, “Goodbye my love.”

She stared at the casket once more and then at the procession who had come to mourn her death.

Oh Crap.

The phone call

“Hi Dave!!”

“Hey Kate…”

“How are you? It’s been a loooooong time!!”

“Yeah I guess so. I saw the pictures of your trip on facebook. You’ve been having a gala time I see with your friends.”

“Oh, its such an amazingly beautiful place!! You need to be here to realise.”

“I was there remember? For couple of years…”

“Oh yeah you had told me.. Guess what, I’m staying really closeby to your old house. Isn’t that great?”

“Marvellous! Hey, I just realised, isn’t this a long distance call for you?”

“I know, but who cares? I miss you Dave… You know this past week, all this time I’ve been spending on my own, lost in this beautiful place, I’ve thought only about you… I know we ended things on a happy note last month, but I’ve been thinking about us more frequently now, and I didn’t realise it was possible falling MORE in love than I already am.”

“Hmm…”

“I think this is what happens when you have time on your own to reflect about the people you never want to lose in your life. I Love you Dave!  I really do!”

“Hmmm… There’s something I wanted to tell you actually.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m not single anymore.”

“Ohh…”

“Hello Kate? Are you there?”

“I’m here…”

“Look I wanted you to know from me first. And as soon as possible. I mean there was no point holding it back. Now I don’t want you to ruin the remaining of your holidays. I-”

“Who is it? Is it someone I know?”

“Actually yes. It’s someone you know pretty well.”

“Michelle?”

” How did you know that??!”

“You keep talking about her often and she’s the only mutual friend of ours whom I know pretty well… So it is Michelle?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay… ”

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m great! Just great! So since when-?”

“About couple of weeks.”

“Grrrrreat! Congratulations!”

“Are you alright Kate? Talk to me.”

“I’m perfectly fine Dave. Why wouldn’t I be? This is excellent news. I just feel extremely stupid that’s all.”

“Why do you feel stupid Kate?”

“Because I’ve just told you that I love you and I’ve been going on and on about how much I’ve missed you, ahhhhh…”

“Kate…”

“It’s alright Dave. Congratulations once again. I need to leave for dinner now. Will speak with you later. Give my best to Michelle.”

“Kate come on….”

“Bye Dave.”

She disconnected the call. Her friends came milling into her room as if on cue.

“Hey Kate, you want to join us for dinner?”

“You guys go ahead. I’m not hungry anymore.”

The letter

Dear Heart,

It’s been a while since we’ve talked. I’m sure you’d understand, it’s quite difficult getting a minute in the busy life we both lead. So… how have you been? I couldn’t help noticing some un-natural fluttering of late. So who is it this time? The tall dark handsome gentleman or the fair cute nerd? I don’t like either of them. I don’t understand what gets you so hyper though. I know me saying these things won’t matter a bit. It should have been my word over yours a lot of times. But who listens to me? It’d have saved you quite a lot of ache. Ok ok, I’m not complaining. You’ve always been the centre of attention, quite literally. And no, I’m not jealous of all affection you recieve from so many people. It’s amazing you deal well with all of it.

Hey what happened to that old flame of yours? Is he still in the picture or not? Oh wait, damn.. there u go racing again. What am I going to do with you? You know, everytime you skip a beat, I feel myself spinning out of place and let me tell you its an extremely disorienting experience. Your feelings and my thinking should sit together and discuss it out. But you become so restless and eager… ahh… like right now. It becomes impossible to resist your childish demeanor. In the end your impatient rhythms always drowns my sensibilities.

I want to help you dear. I can’t stand it when you end up being hurt. Those are the times you beg me to clamp you tightly. I hate it but I end up doing it lest you fall apart into pieces. I close myself up too in those times you know. We both wallow in self pity. Those Twilight books don’t serve you any purpose. And stop reacting so extremely to those dumb mushy songs. The poor eyes get sore when they start shedding tears you know. We may not have been the best friends all these years, as we have had our differences at many junctures of life. I just want to beg you this time, stop being such a romantic.

I miss the previous carefree version of you. At least you were more fun back then.

No more racing ok? Take care of yourself.

Love you always,

Mind

Words of a cynic

I don’t believe in love. Don’t get me wrong. I did at some point of time; in the naive little world of mine, where sentimental bullshit were a predominant part of my fantasizing, Love was pretty much the glue that held all “logic” together. Bah! So what happened you might wonder? Reality struck. Like lightening. Clear, concise and resounding. Heart was broken. Not once but over and over again. And when I opened my eyes the next morning, a cynic was born.

All those who say, love is beautiful, it is divine, it the music of life, preaching about love in general and posting love quotes, are listening to depressing heavy metal and writing emo-poetry about killing themself. It’s not a person, but the idea of being in love that we love. I’ve always thought, why to share your innermost thoughts to a person who can leave you at some instant and then lament about having your heart broken.

These may be the bitter words of a cynic, but they do serve to be food for thought.

Top5 "I want to"

You know what you get if you type the words “I want to” in the google search text?

1. I want to die

2. I want to know my future

3. I want to break free

4. I want to learn english

5. I want to see blue film.

Apparently the auto suggest options in Google search are prompted based on the user queries.  Provides an interesting insight on the things people query about; death (which they have no control over), future (which is as uncertain as tomorrow’s weather), breaking free (I assume these must be the corporate slaves), learning English (I guess to understand the next point), blue films (ahem ahem).

What stupidity.

Who's next??

A cold wave of thrill ran down his spine. It was stuffy and faintly smelling of rats. God knew how long it had been since he’d seen anyone. It was starting to get dark outside. He was alone as he’d always been because of the simple reason that he liked working alone. No attachments, no friends, and just one partner in crime. It was easier to be on the run that way, easier to keep himself camouflaged, easier to be mysterious. easier to -

“Freeze!!!”

Shit.

A sudden panic broke through the cloud of self assurance hovering in his mind. This is not how it was supposed to end. How the hell could he have been found. He had done his best hiding up his tracks. No one knew he’d be there. Well, except for Charlie. He knew his every move; all his favourite haunts; even his methods of reaching there. He was never caught. Never. Did Charlie reveal his secret?

“I know you are there. Don’t act too cocky with me!” The voice commandeered.

Maybe if he stayed still and pretended not to listen, he could fool the person at the other side that he wasn’t there. Charlie must have got caught already and he must have spilled the beans. Damn him. He promised himself he won’t ever reveal his plans and preferences to anyone and he’d make sure…

“Oh come on Pete! You’re holding up all of us..” came the exasperated tone. “I see you hidden behind the trunk in the corner!”

“Am I first one?” Pete mumbled disinterestedly, after they got down from the attic.

“Ah no.. you’re the last actually.” He offered gaily. “I found Suzie first.. she was hiding under the bed. Can you believe it? I mean could she have chosen a more obvious place?” Grant’s voice reduced to a hum in the background as Pete pondered about where he’d hide next.

Ah, he loved playing hide and seek.

The bigger picture

She sank into the bean bag, adjusting her frame to sink into a more comfortable position. A cup of coffee rested on the table next to her; the absence of steam spewing on the surface indicating how long it had been sitting there, undisturbed. A half opened, ornate looking letter lay next to it. It’s surface seemed creased, as if it had been brutally crushed and then smoothed out, as an after thought, to read it.

It was drizzling outside. She was staring out of the window at the rain, yet, she wasn’t looking at the hazy outlines of the trees, the bench or the swing in the lawn outside. The smell of the wet earth brought a faint smile on her face, as if she was remembering some treasured memory secure in the depths of her heart. Then her eyes averted to the crumpled piece of paper on the table and her smile disappeared. It was dull maroon and cream in color and intricate golden words were embossed on it. It looked like an invitation card. She looked at it for a few more minutes, hoping the delay of each passing moment would somehow change its contents.

After what seemed like an eternity, her fingers reached out and picked it up. A small sigh escaped her as she opened it gingerly. Her hands held the edges firmly, her brows furrowed in sudden concentration, her eyes flickering left and right as they read each line. A trail of a tear rolled down one cheek. Then the other.

“What is it Kim?” Sue’s soft voice murmured from somewhere behind her. She must have been in the same room all this time.

“It’s from Max.”

“Oh?”

The silence stretched. Kim heard Sue pull a chair next to her.

“He’s getting married.” Kim’s resolute voice faltered and broke. She looked out of the window again, tears streaming down her cheeks more easily now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“AND CUT!!!”

Sudden flurry of movement ensued.

“That was a perfect take Angie! Good job!” came the director’s heavy baritone from behind the camera.

Angie wiped away the glycerine tears. All in a day’s job.